Updates on Motherhood:
– Rowan is gaining weight, I’ve never been in 4H, but I’m sure fattening up a prize hog and getting this little guy to put on some ounces is a very similar process.
– We were generously given a bunch of clothing from people. But both Beau and I have noticed some of this clothing is very feminine looking and I do believe I’ve been putting my son in girls PJs for the past couple of nights. We’ve decided beggars can’t be choosers, so we’ll continue to use the clothes, but I’m not above telling his future girlfriends Rowan crossed dressed for the first months of his life.
– We found a binkie he likes, which is great because now he’s not screaming to be attached to my chest every thirty minutes. This was quite a feat, considering the lactation nurse told me I had short nipples, I took that as a compliment, however it has made it awkward to find a binkie that comes in extra small nipple size. When I explain this situation to the helpful teens working at Babies-R-Us, they immediately look me over, check out my would be small chest and gesture to the pacifier isle. So you see again, this binkie situation is really a major milestone in the Green house.
#babyrowan
Updates on motherhood part 2:
– Rowan is now sleeping in the crib, which is very similar to getting the drunkest girl at a frat party home. There’s crying, puking, over use of the phrase “I love you” all in the name of getting the guy to sleep. But since Beau and I have never been good at sharing, we decided not to waste anyone time with little Rowan in our room, for goodness sake he has own!
– Speaking of sleeping I’ve discovered that if I go straight from a nice Pinot noir to breastfeeding, Rowan sleeps at least 4 hours at night. Which in my opinion is crucial to the whole crib transition stage we are in.
– little guy has taken to now only pooping every two days (which I checked – it’s normal) however when the poop apocalypse comes upon me, it’s an all-out stop everything you were doing and cater to his needs, I think he’s getting a complex- ship your pants and the world revolves around you. He’s got the making of a politician if he keeps this up.
#babyrowan
Motherhood Updates part 3:
– Rowan stinks… His feet stink, his hands stink, his face smells like old milk. “Clara why don’t you bathe him!”
Um… I do… All the time. But he’s a stinky little boy. So I’ve decided to start him on a daily cologne regiment. I’m thinking about maybe Acqua Di Gio for everyday and then something heavier when we go out on the weekends.
– In my last post I mentioned my love of drinking and breastfeeding at the same time. I had some very concerned individuals approach me about it. I just want to reassure everyone, I was joking. In fact my drinking is pretty nonexistent now a day; which upsets my AA sponsor because now he attends our meetings alone. But don’t worry everyone I’ll be back to drinking in excess as soon as Rowan’s 100% bottle fed.
– I’ve come to the conclusion that breast pumps are barbaric and obviously invented by a man. No women would ever be okay with hooking up a dairy cow like contraption to her already overly sensitive nipples. Forget water boarding; from now on let’s attempt to extract information from ISIS terrors by attaching a Medela Pump in Style to them. I promise after 20 minutes of having their nipples mechanically ripped from their chest, they’ll be talking like a fourth grade girl who can’t keep a secret. Beau has done his best to be supportive, but it’s hard to comfort your wife while she cries in agony in a fetal position (although you can barely hear my wailing over the medieval sucking sounds coming from the machine.) In the end I shall leave the pumping to the cows and the CIA.
#babyrowan
Motherhood Update part 4
- I cut the tip of Rowan’s finger off… in my defense they said “safety” nail cutters. I wrote a very strong worded email to their customer service dept. I received an email stating that they can’t guarantee “safety” when it comes to user error…what jerks, I’m an awesome mom. Anyhow, now I find myself over compensating out of guilt for maiming my young child. I’m sure his finger will grow back, but until then I’m giving him extra everything. Extra 30 minutes of TV time at night, more breastfeeding sessions than usual. It’s getting really exhausting, but I can’t have him calling services on me so I’ll keep it up till this accident is no more than a distant memory.
uh… no more clippers for mommy! - I’m thinking of getting breast enhancement. One positive aspect of having a child on January 8th , delivered by emergency c-section and a six day hospital stay, is meeting your deductible and total out of pocket cost for the rest of the year! So really it only makes sense to go big when it’s already paid for. I’ve never had an impressive chest, (although pregnancy did wonders for the ladies) However, now that I’m a milk bank with unlimited withdrawals, the girls are looking a little sad. My right breast now hangs out somewhere under my armpit and the left is 3 inches closer to my belly button than before. A cheap hooker has more self-esteem than a woman who has just given birth. If you asked me what your body feels like after child bearing, I would compare it to attempting to put your pop up camping tent with all its parts, back into the same small bag once it came from. Your bending rods, folding layers and stuffing with all your might everything this tent has back into a 4×4 inch bag. Now walk around feeling like a build-a-bear reject and tell me if you wouldn’t do something to feel like a normal gal again.
Updates on Motherhood part 5
- My dog Steve has started to act out in protest for the alien child arriving over 2 months ago. I went into Rowan’s room the other day, only to find Steve had chewed the faces off all of Rowan’s stuffed animals. It was really disturbing to peer over this lovely room of death he had created; but when I confronted him about it, he made no apologies and told me I can’t tell him what to do, I’m not his mother! I felt bad and followed him to his crate to see if we could talk it out, then I discovered the missing baby bottles piled into the corner of his crate. Needless to say Steve is grounded…
- Rowan had his two month shots the other day. Like any new mother I can’t stand to see my child in pain… which you would think would have stopped me from so casually cutting off his finger last week. Anyhow, I had to ask my own mom to be there with me. I sat in the corner of the doctor’s office, head covered with a baby blanket and my ears plugged. I couldn’t watch – I couldn’t hear, I didn’t want any part of it! It was my mom who held onto my son. It was my mom who shushed him while he yelped in excruciating pain. Actually he passed out and the nurse had to blow really hard in his face to get him breathing….I was still in the corner. I’ve come to the conclusion that mothers are like a fine wine, we get better with age. For example, I’m pretty sure Mother Theresa, back in her early years, could be fairly bitchy and wasn’t giving a whole lot of thought to the poor back then. But by the time she reached the ripe old age of 123, she was a saint….no literally a saint. Well my mom is no saint (trust me on this) but she is an awesome mom and one hell of a grandmother. Don’t worry everyone, someday I’ll come out from the corner and be a good mom too, until then you can find me with a blanket on my head and fingers in my ears.
Updates on Motherhood part 6
- I got a mom do. I went to a reasonably priced hair salon, because let’s be honest I’m poorer than dirt now with a child sucking every penny I make into a black hole, and asked for something cute but maintainable. “If Kate Gosling and Carol Brady had a baby, I want its hair style…” I told this to the young hair stylist, who was pretty confused at my comment. I thought I was clever, she thought I was weird. Anyhow, now I have shorter hair with some bob like layers. I hate it… My new mom hair goes great with my new mom jeans, or the new mom mobile I drive. I never thought I’d utter the words, “these pants fit great, but do you have something with a higher waist and more coverage in the butt area?” You know you’re a mom when third row seating gets your lady parts all tingly. “Oh! Look at all that room; I can take the ENTIRE soccer team home in this beast!” I used to be cool…
- I lost my boob pad the other day in the middle of the work office. You know the ones you wear to stop leaking through your blouse. I hadn’t realized it slipped out from my flat 12 year old girl chest I’m sporting these days ( like a marble on a table top, things are just rolling off them.) Well my co-worker Melody came across it; picked it up and examined it. “Does anyone know what this is? Is this somebody’s personal item?” She shouted around the work area, waving my soiled breast cover around in the air like she just played capture the flag at recess. I still wasn’t paying attention at this point, I was busy in my corner working diligently…hehehe… no I wasn’t, I was just on Pintrest having a pin fest at my employers expense. Well Melody continued to shout and wave my pad in the air like she just didn’t care; she was determined to find its owner. At this point she had gathered everyone’s attention including my bosses. Finally I looked up from my phone, “OMG MY BREAST PAD!” I quickly felt around to see which one had flown the coop. I couldn’t say anything with every staff member now looking over the pad; I had to think on my feet.
“ Melody, Um… just put it on my desk, I’ll take it to lost and found during lunch….here give it to me, I’m sure whoever lost it is um, wondering where it is…”
Thank god Melody has the attention span of a kindergartner and released her new play toy without a fight. I quickly reunited the pad to my breast, this time with the reinforcement of some handy scotch tape.
#babyrowan
Motherhood Updates 