WWE Restaurant Style

Motherhood Updates Part 24

Rowan has now become “that” kid at restaurants. Somewhere between 11 months and 12.5 months Rowan became a terrible toddler.  My husband and I used to pride ourselves on how well behaved our child was. The compliments would come pouring in from strangers and friends alike.

“He’s such a good baby!” people would exclaim.

“I know…” I replied in my snarky tone. ( karma people!)

Then one day, he wasn’t. One day out the blue he was no longer content to sit in his chair and sleep or play with a small toy. Nope; now he wants out of his chair- he wants this- to touch that- hit this- bite that….

My spouse and I took Rowan out last weekend. We had been having a picture perfect day, until we decided to stop and grab a bite of food.  It wasn’t two minutes in and my terrible toddler started in on us. Eventually we had to come up with a game plan.

“Okay you eat your meal first and I’ll take him for a walk around outside away from everyone.” I said to the hubby

“No – you eat first and I’ll take him out.” he replied

“I have a salad and you have a sandwich – mine’s cold and yours is hot.  You eat first and then I’ll come and eat.”

“I’ll eat as fast as I can…”

“Please do – my sanity and appetite depend on it…”

So my husband ate his sandwich and I took little man for a walk – I could see through the restaurant window, my spouse eating his food like he was in a competition. He pounded back his meal and guzzled his pint of expensive craft beer – never taking a minute to savor it. Then like a relay race I was back inside, tapped him out and I was off to finish my food too. We’ve decided that in the future Rowan is not ready to be in a sit down restaurant. Actually, until he’s paying for the meal himself, I might not ever step foot in a food place with him again.

So the next time you’re out and you see a single diner eating their meal like it might be their last, don’t judge. Sure there’s a chance they have the drunken munchies and don’t realize what a scene they’re making, but they also could be new parents and their partner is in the wings with the crying child just counting the seconds until it’s their turn to eat.  Like Wrestle Mania – tap in, tap out – go for the win…

Terrible Mothers Unite – Motherhood Updates 23

My new favorite saying is “If it makes him happy…” This statement can apply to many scenarios.

“Clara your son is lighting the dog on fire…”

“Well if it makes him happy…”

“Clara, Rowan is eating something off the bottom of your husband’s work boot…”

“Yeah… but it makes him happy…”

“Clara your child is leading Iran in a nuclear war…”

“Oh really? But it makes him happy right?”

Does this make me a lazy mom? I don’t think so – I think it’s called picking your battles.

I recently had a reader submit a photo to me of her son falling off the couch. Under the photo she captioned:

“See we are all Motherhood Updates Moms! My kid fell off the couch and I took a photo of him falling instead of rushing to help him, I even waited two seconds before going to his aide…hehe I’m such a terrible mom.”   PS he was fine, just a little booboo”

First of all reader, thank you for following my blog. I appreciate any support I can get, I obviously have attention issues and anyone who indulges me, I consider a friend. However, you are not a terrible mother. In fact you’re a good mom; actually you’re probably an excellent mom! You know how I know…you used the word booboo when emailing another adult…that’s a clear sign of an awesome mom.

In my world, if this had been me and my son, Rowan would have fallen off the couch and bumped his head. I would then find him ten minutes later playing with, who the hell knows what, Rowan sporting a goose egg on his noggin. I would then put two and two together and realize that at some point he must have fallen. Where was I you might ask? I was down in the basement catching up on my Law and Order SVU episodes on Hulu. I would feel bad and then over compensate by giving him a bowl of ice cream for dinner.

Here’s another example of me being an awesome mother: I came into the kitchen to find Rowan eating dog food. Two thoughts ran through my mind-

1. “I should take that away from him, he shouldn’t be eating dog food.”
2. “Rowan has been fussy and not wanting to eat lately. If I let him finish eating the dog food, then at least I know he’s been fed…”

So that was the last of the dog food… I ended up feeding the dog the scraps from dinner. See it all works out in the end.

So to wrap it up – Thank you again reader for your letter and photo! I really did love it 🙂  It sounds to me like you are well on your way to being a truly terrible mother. Feel free to send me more photos and emails from your own personal Motherhood Updates.

Teething Nightmare – Motherhood Updates Part 22

Teething sucks. Let me repeat that – TEETHING SUCKS!!!! Teething is God’s way of insuring we don’t over populate the earth too quickly. Any parent who has had a difficult child during their teething phase would close up their baby making parts real fast…I know I have!

Rowan is up at all hours in pain, crying- no scratch that- shrieking at the top of his lungs. He is the best kid you’ll ever meet until he’s in pain, and then it’s every man for himself. When he gets into a mood he throws his body back in a sort of MMA move. I try to catch him best I can, but I’ll be honest….I’ve dropped him a few times. He’s small for his age and his Puma track suit is slippery. Once, while we were in Target, he threw himself back so fast I hardly knew what had happened. Boom! Down on the ground he went!

Apparently, to the other Target shoppers, it looked as though I threw him to the ground in a fit of rage. First of all, let’s side step – 1. I do a lot of stupid things, but I would never blatantly throw my child to the ground. (Unless maybe he was on fire, then I would stop, drop and roll him) 2.  If I did happen to get a crazy hair in me and actually choose to throw a baby on the ground, I would never do it in Target. I love that place, I want to continue shopping there.

So back to what I was saying before, it appeared to the other Target shoppers that I had purposefully thrown Rowan to the ground.

“Did you just throw him down?” asked one lady.

“What? No!” I replied

“Because it looked like you just threw him down, why would you do that?”

“I didn’t, he did it! He threw himself on the ground. I just dropped him…I mean I couldn’t hold him anymore…uh…”

I knew this was not going well. I left my cart with all my stuff and quickly excited the store. Mad at my son for interfering in my Target purchases.

The second time he threw himself back so hard it caused a scene, was when we were walking down the stairs. He had been in a fit of pain and with the blink of the eye, he was hanging by his legs in my hands as we walked down the steep stair case.  I saw our life flash before my eyes. I could see it now – our tombstones lying next to each other:

Clara Jean Green

Loving Mother

“I should have stuck with a dog”

 

Rowan James Green

Beloved Son

“Teething”

Needless to say I caught him just in the nick of time, saving both of us from harm’s way.  Mother Nature is cruel lady, who I hope has had many kids and plenty of them teething.

 

Baby Poo and Coke Habits

Motherhood Update Part 13

– Rowan is teething. His once pleasant demeanor has turned into a total nightmare. He used to sleep through the night and wake up happy to see me. Now he is up at least two times in the night just to scream at me. This is his way of telling me what terrible pain he is in and how he hates everyone… (Good to know you little jerk, mommy feels the same way.) I have bottles of Tylenol lying around like they are taking it off the shelf soon -the minute that kid starts in on a whimper I dose him with grape flavored pain meds… THERE! FEEL BETTER! The way that Rowan feels about teething is the way I feel about my time of the month, so I’ve decide that instead of telling people that my poor attitude is from my monthly visit from Flo- I’ll just tell people I’m teething.

– Rowan has a heat rash under his chin and neck. Poor kid looks like a shingles commercial. My mother has insisted on putting corn starch all over it. As she puts it, the corn starch will help wick away the moisture and keep the redness down.  While that sounds all fine and good- my kid now appears to have a major coke problem. The white powder creeps up to the corners of his mouth and his little nose has traces of the white substance in just the right places. He has no clue he could be Pablo Escobar for Halloween with the way he looks. He just sits and smiles, happy that his rash has stopped being such a bother.  And once I get a glass of wine in me, I can’t stop laughing- see total win/ win situation.

– Rowan has started to eat solid foods. Which is great! I mean it’s awesome being able to go to a restaurant and order food for him. I don’t have to worry about packing extra bottles or if this kid is full. I can drive though McDonalds and order him some fries with my chicken nuggest- there ya’ go kid- lunch! However, you don’t gross until you change a baby’s diaper that eats solid food. That’s straight up man poop. When you can tell what your kid just passed through his GI tract- you know you’ve got problems.                                                                                                                                                               “Is that the tandoori chicken from the other night?” I ask my husband as he pulls back Rowan’s huggies. “Yep… that’s what it seems like to me.” He replies as he grabs another 5 wipes to clean up the poo mess.

Wiping this kids butt is now a mind teaser game. “If I come up this way – then clean from left to right will that get most of it or will I need another wet wipe?”  You remember that part in the Adam Sandler movie Big Daddy when he’s so happy the little kid wipes his own ass? That’s a real thing people! That day is just as memorable and happy as say your wedding day or the initial birth of your child….it’s a great day when your kid learns to wipe his own backside. Since I’m pretty far off from potty training, I’ve decided to feed Rowan only water and Cheerios from here on out.

1. Be a Crazy Mom ….Check! Updates on Motherhood Part 12

Updates on Motherhood Part 12   

I took Rowan to his four month checkup last week. His pediatrician insists on making me fill out a questionnaire every time I go. It’s the same questionnaire every time… the questions are some open ended questions to check for onset post-partum. I get it, there are some pretty weird thoughts happening after you give birth. Normally I answer with yes or no answers- However, this time I had a little fun with the staff when it came to my answers.

1. Do feel like things get on top of you? – Yes; occasionally my husband, but if it’s not dedicated sex night, then I push him off.
2. Do you feel sad and hopeless for no reason? – Sometimes; only when I’ve gone jean shopping and the girl at American Eagle asks me what size my teenager wears. I tell her I’m shopping for myself; she then explains GAP might have more of my style and size.
3. Do you ever get so angry you want to hurt yourself or others? – Yes; when I found out Keeping up with the Kardashians was coming back for another season, I was pretty mad at everyone.
4. Do you ever picture your life before your child and wish he or she wasn’t around? – Sometimes; But only when I shell out almost a $1000 to daycare or if I have to restrain my fun based off his sleeping needs and poor attitude when out with another couple. I also picture my life before marriage and often think about what things would be like if my hubby and I had never had met, like if I could have full filled my dream of being a Cache Clothing model. At least I’m not biased to just my child

I stopped after just a few and handed it back to her- She scanned it and then looked to me…I just sat stoned faced and waited for her reaction. She smiled and put it into Rowan’s file folder. Not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe more evidence in their case for CPS.

• Rowan has started baby talk and understanding when others talk to him – this has opened the door to me and my husband messing with him…big time. First off, I try to sing him only songs by The Carpenters- “DON’T YOU REMEMBER YOU TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME BABY!!!” I sing it really loud and very dramatic; this throws him off as to why mom looks so sad. Then when the hubby and I are in the car with him, we only speak in our terrible Russian accents, we call out his name and say “Yes – Good baby boy you are…” sounding like Boris and Natasha. This really gets his face twisted. But by far my favorite thing to do to him is my impression of Mike Myers SNL skit Coffee Talk with Linda.  I come in to his room to wake him up in the mornings with my raspy Boca Raton, overly affectionate Jewish mother tone.  “RO-WAN…OH MY GOOD. LOOK. AT. YOU… COME HERE DARRRLLLIINNGG!” This gets him so confused he actually started crying once – which only solidifies that I’m on the right path with this prank and that my impressions have gotten really good.

The Joys of Living With Gigi and Bring Back the Boobies – Motherhood Updates Part 11

Updates on Motherhood Part 11

– Living with my parents is going really well so far. We are all pretty respectful of each other’s space and picking up after ourselves. The best part of living like the Mormons is built in babysitters!

“Mom- Rowan needs a bath. Law and Order is about to start, can you do it?”

Where’s my sister? – this kid is really crying because it’s feeding time, but if I don’t do my pedicure now- I’ll never get it done by the weekend.

I mean I’m not saying I make them do all of it, but I can tell how happy it makes them to rear my child for me, so I figure there is no reason to deny them that joy. There is nothing better than watching my 15 year old sister wipe my son’s butt after his blow out diaper. The disgust that is all over her face as she tries not to throw up on the baby is priceless. Best birth control EVER! Or seeing how much my mom struggles to make a bottle one handed, while holding Rowan in her other arm as he screams his head off. She’s always talking about how she doesn’t get to the gym as often as she would like. Built in weights and strength training with this kid! So really my mom should be thanking me for so willingly giving up my motherly duties to them, it could be the difference between my sister being a teen mom or saving herself for marriage. Honestly “thoughtful” should be my middle name…

– Rowan has started grabbing. He grabs hair, toys, blankets, his diaper- my boobs. Yes; my son has a fascination with my small chest. I know I’ve already discussed how the ladies are on the petite side, so it’s no wonder that the four month old has a tendency to want to reach for my chest. They are the perfect size for his teacup hands.  I stopped breast feeding around 6 weeks. Mainly because I never made much milk to begin with and once I went back to work breastfeeding went out the window along with my sanity and sleep. But there is a piece of me that feels bad that I don’t breast feed him anymore. So this whole grabbing thing has put us at odds.

Grab Grab Grab- “Let go Rowan, yes those are mommy’s.”

Grab Grab Poke Grab “Okay Rowan, I get it- you miss them.”

Grab Grab – I look down to his face. If he could speak, he would probably ask me why I never breastfeed anymore. – “Mom is it something I did?” He would ask. “Is it because I don’t sleep through the night yet?” “I can try harder, just one more time mom…please” He’ll pucker his little lip and I’ll have to turn away so I don’t start crying.

Grab Grab Grab – “They are right here mom- look I found them. Just once more…”

I pull his little hands away. He looks to me disappointed…get used to it kid. You got me as a mother, if you think this is bad, just wait till you are old enough to read and you find mommy’s blog – now there’s some on set disappointment!

Mommy is Going Bald and Quit Messing Up My Jams – Motherhood Updates Part 10

Updates on Motherhood Part 10

I’m losing my hair. I mean I knew that the lush locks I grew during the pregnancy would go away eventually, but I thought it would be a gradual loss…My hair is coming out in clumps. I pull out a Furby size ball of hair from the shower drain each time I wash my hair. A few mornings ago I discovered a bald spot, just near the upper portion of my temple. I have become self-conscious of it and have tried to cover it up. I tried doing the comb over, but my husband is terrible about keeping my comb over in check. I’ll start catching a breeze over my bald patch and realize my hard work in the bathroom has come undone. So I have resorted to color matching. I bought some cheap foundation in the color “mocha” (to match my once mocha locks) I take a good teaspoon size amount and start patting it on. It looks pretty natural from far away, I mean I wouldn’t want anyone to double check my work, but it’s been doing the trick…until recently. You see the weather has been warming up and my once sweat-less head has become a heat box. I went for a walk the other day and when I stopped to talk to my neighbor, she had a confused look on her face. Finally she said “You have dark brown streaks running down your face.” I explained to her that I was trying out Halloween costume ideas early and this look is Indian Warrior Princess…I don’t think she bought it. Anyhow, now I’m constantly worried that my makeup pool around my hair line will run again. There are only so many excuses you can come up with. The last time it happened I told the cashier at Walmart the doctors have just came to the conclusion, that yes, I do in fact have Leprosy.  So between my shedding and Steve’s shedding my Roomba vacuum is losing its shit.

– Rowan is killing my music buzz. I’ll be in the car driving with him and all of the sudden my jams come on. “Apple Bottom JEANS and the BOOTS with the FUUURRR!!” Just as I’m reliving my young single days and reminiscing on how cool I was, I hear baby coos coming from the back seat. I look to my mirror only to see my son, giggling and laughing at my expense.

“What? No! Quit dancing, these are mommy’s jams! Not baby songs for Rowan dammit!” He laughs even more because my ticked off tone of voice sounds funny to him.

“Go to sleep… there play with your hands. This is me time Rowan!” He continues to giggle and coo (It’s sort of adorable how into it he is, but I remind myself – if I don’t set boundaries now, this kid will walk all over me)

“Fine kids bop it is then!” I turn it on…he gets quiet…

“The wheels on the bus go round and round…” I look to him in my mirror…fast asleep…lil’ jerk.