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Motherhood Updates Part 24

Rowan has now become “that” kid at restaurants. Somewhere between 11 months and 12.5 months Rowan became a terrible toddler.  My husband and I used to pride ourselves on how well behaved our child was. The compliments would come pouring in from strangers and friends alike.

“He’s such a good baby!” people would exclaim.

“I know…” I replied in my snarky tone. ( karma people!)

Then one day, he wasn’t. One day out the blue he was no longer content to sit in his chair and sleep or play with a small toy. Nope; now he wants out of his chair- he wants this- to touch that- hit this- bite that….

My spouse and I took Rowan out last weekend. We had been having a picture perfect day, until we decided to stop and grab a bite of food.  It wasn’t two minutes in and my terrible toddler started in on us. Eventually we had to come up with a game plan.

“Okay you eat your meal first and I’ll take him for a walk around outside away from everyone.” I said to the hubby

“No – you eat first and I’ll take him out.” he replied

“I have a salad and you have a sandwich – mine’s cold and yours is hot.  You eat first and then I’ll come and eat.”

“I’ll eat as fast as I can…”

“Please do – my sanity and appetite depend on it…”

So my husband ate his sandwich and I took little man for a walk – I could see through the restaurant window, my spouse eating his food like he was in a competition. He pounded back his meal and guzzled his pint of expensive craft beer – never taking a minute to savor it. Then like a relay race I was back inside, tapped him out and I was off to finish my food too. We’ve decided that in the future Rowan is not ready to be in a sit down restaurant. Actually, until he’s paying for the meal himself, I might not ever step foot in a food place with him again.

So the next time you’re out and you see a single diner eating their meal like it might be their last, don’t judge. Sure there’s a chance they have the drunken munchies and don’t realize what a scene they’re making, but they also could be new parents and their partner is in the wings with the crying child just counting the seconds until it’s their turn to eat.  Like Wrestle Mania – tap in, tap out – go for the win…

Terrible Mothers Unite – Motherhood Updates 23

My new favorite saying is “If it makes him happy…” This statement can apply to many scenarios.

“Clara your son is lighting the dog on fire…”

“Well if it makes him happy…”

“Clara, Rowan is eating something off the bottom of your husband’s work boot…”

“Yeah… but it makes him happy…”

“Clara your child is leading Iran in a nuclear war…”

“Oh really? But it makes him happy right?”

Does this make me a lazy mom? I don’t think so – I think it’s called picking your battles.

I recently had a reader submit a photo to me of her son falling off the couch. Under the photo she captioned:

“See we are all Motherhood Updates Moms! My kid fell off the couch and I took a photo of him falling instead of rushing to help him, I even waited two seconds before going to his aide…hehe I’m such a terrible mom.”   PS he was fine, just a little booboo”

First of all reader, thank you for following my blog. I appreciate any support I can get, I obviously have attention issues and anyone who indulges me, I consider a friend. However, you are not a terrible mother. In fact you’re a good mom; actually you’re probably an excellent mom! You know how I know…you used the word booboo when emailing another adult…that’s a clear sign of an awesome mom.

In my world, if this had been me and my son, Rowan would have fallen off the couch and bumped his head. I would then find him ten minutes later playing with, who the hell knows what, Rowan sporting a goose egg on his noggin. I would then put two and two together and realize that at some point he must have fallen. Where was I you might ask? I was down in the basement catching up on my Law and Order SVU episodes on Hulu. I would feel bad and then over compensate by giving him a bowl of ice cream for dinner.

Here’s another example of me being an awesome mother: I came into the kitchen to find Rowan eating dog food. Two thoughts ran through my mind-

1. “I should take that away from him, he shouldn’t be eating dog food.”
2. “Rowan has been fussy and not wanting to eat lately. If I let him finish eating the dog food, then at least I know he’s been fed…”

So that was the last of the dog food… I ended up feeding the dog the scraps from dinner. See it all works out in the end.

So to wrap it up – Thank you again reader for your letter and photo! I really did love it 🙂  It sounds to me like you are well on your way to being a truly terrible mother. Feel free to send me more photos and emails from your own personal Motherhood Updates.

Teething Nightmare – Motherhood Updates Part 22

Teething sucks. Let me repeat that – TEETHING SUCKS!!!! Teething is God’s way of insuring we don’t over populate the earth too quickly. Any parent who has had a difficult child during their teething phase would close up their baby making parts real fast…I know I have!

Rowan is up at all hours in pain, crying- no scratch that- shrieking at the top of his lungs. He is the best kid you’ll ever meet until he’s in pain, and then it’s every man for himself. When he gets into a mood he throws his body back in a sort of MMA move. I try to catch him best I can, but I’ll be honest….I’ve dropped him a few times. He’s small for his age and his Puma track suit is slippery. Once, while we were in Target, he threw himself back so fast I hardly knew what had happened. Boom! Down on the ground he went!

Apparently, to the other Target shoppers, it looked as though I threw him to the ground in a fit of rage. First of all, let’s side step – 1. I do a lot of stupid things, but I would never blatantly throw my child to the ground. (Unless maybe he was on fire, then I would stop, drop and roll him) 2.  If I did happen to get a crazy hair in me and actually choose to throw a baby on the ground, I would never do it in Target. I love that place, I want to continue shopping there.

So back to what I was saying before, it appeared to the other Target shoppers that I had purposefully thrown Rowan to the ground.

“Did you just throw him down?” asked one lady.

“What? No!” I replied

“Because it looked like you just threw him down, why would you do that?”

“I didn’t, he did it! He threw himself on the ground. I just dropped him…I mean I couldn’t hold him anymore…uh…”

I knew this was not going well. I left my cart with all my stuff and quickly excited the store. Mad at my son for interfering in my Target purchases.

The second time he threw himself back so hard it caused a scene, was when we were walking down the stairs. He had been in a fit of pain and with the blink of the eye, he was hanging by his legs in my hands as we walked down the steep stair case.  I saw our life flash before my eyes. I could see it now – our tombstones lying next to each other:

Clara Jean Green

Loving Mother

“I should have stuck with a dog”

 

Rowan James Green

Beloved Son

“Teething”

Needless to say I caught him just in the nick of time, saving both of us from harm’s way.  Mother Nature is cruel lady, who I hope has had many kids and plenty of them teething.

 

Revenge of the Holiday Martini – Motherhood Updates Part 21

Updates on Motherhood Part 21

Like I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, I would be writing about my adventures of too much to drink and still being on midnight feeding duty. Shortly after posting my snippet of what to look forward to in my upcoming blog post, I received an email from a close loved one explaining to me, that while they write this note with best intentions, they encourage me to sensor my writing and really think about my future. What kind of employer hires a woman who writes about excessive drinking and caring for her infant? Well according to the email, no one…

So at the behest of this individual, I validate your feelings and completely understand where you are coming from, however for some reason my calling for this life has started to show itself in my work. I am a trashy comedy writer pulling inspiration for her material from real life. I can’t help it…I’m just born that way.

So I did think of way to not be so graphic in my telling of the tale (which in my opinion is oh so good of a tale not to tell)

A list- a list of all things to do when you’ve had too much to drink and still have to be, well you know…a parent

1. Don’t listen to your sister in law when she suggests having another pumpkin spice martini. One martini good, two martini just right…three martini bad
2. Be prepared to pass out before your child does, make a mental note of where you left your child last right before you passed out.
3. Once you have woken up in the middle of the night, sweating out all the alcohol you consumed, find your said child ( pray that you had the sense to put them in the pack and play)
4. Once child is found, you will find that all the moving around has caused you to feel ill. Find bathroom immediately!
5. Don’t forget to bring the baby, you just found them; you can’t go running to the bathroom and lose them all over again. If you are stealth you can grab a quick bottle and formula, maybe a toy. This is going to take a while.
6. Get the initial vomiting out of the way first. That really grabs the child’s attention. They find it extremely entertaining.
7. Resume being mad at your sister in law for over serving you. In fact blame everyone but yourself at this point, how could they have let this happen?!
8. Turn to the child and make their bottle, they will start to fuss and you can’t take the extra noise right now.
9. Find most comfortable position that allows you to cradle the child in your arms while it drinks his bottle and you can still safely reach the toilet bowl. No need to accidently throw up on your mother in law’s bathroom rug. That’s a whole new set of issues there…
10. Eventually baby will be done drinking it’s bottle and want to play, hopefully you are done evacuating the poison from your body- but if you aren’t make a game of it. Have the child clap for you every time you bend over and let it rip, make funny noises and say “Yay mommy is still going!”
11. Once you are in the end stages of the puke fest, try to calm the child down. Calming him down will ensure that you both will be ready to head back to sleep.
12. Pat yourself on the back for another parenting win. If you think about it, you and your child have spent over an hour of quality time together. Just you, them, and your massive hangover. Job well done!

 

Until next time readers – I wish you and yours a happy holiday season!

All the Best from – Baby Rowan and Me (AKA Mother of the Year)

The Baby is a Perverted Cat

Rowan has started hissing like a cat. Our daycare lady used to own a pet shop and when the shop closed, any animals who didn’t get adopted found their forever home with her. She now has a menagerie in her house of dogs, cats, birds and small children. So it’s no surprise that Rowan has started to mimic the animals. When he gets mad he pulls back his lips, exposing his toothless gums, and hisses at you -just like an angry cat.

Along with Rowan’s hissing, he has really started to vocalize. In fact, he said his first word the other day- actually it was two words…while pointing to our family pet the other night, he looked right at Phoebe and said “Damn Dog.” We couldn’t believe it! At first we thought that was the funniest thing we had ever heard. Then we started to wonder, where did he pick this up from? Certainly not from us. Sure we say dog all the time – take the dog out, the dog needs food etc. But never damn dog….daycare? I mean she does have dogs running around house and I know my daycare lady is not above cussing in front of the kids…so we figure that’s where he picked it up from. I now have a 10 month old who hisses like a cat and curses at the dog- I’m basically raising a paranoid schizophrenic.

Rowan has discovered his penis. Out of all the toys he has, his weenie is his favorite one. When it’s time to take a bath you can’t pry him off of his member if you tried. The whole bath he’s messing with his junk. It’s not in a sexual way – it’s more like when you discover you have a skin tab and you can’t seem to stop messing with it. Rowan just can’t seem to stop messing with it. I read on the internet that you are supposed to let them have at it, just go to town – tug tug city! Eventually the thrill will wear off, and he’ll go back to looking up at people and having two free hands. They say you don’t want to put any negative connotation with him touching himself. When he’s older, we can have the talk about how touching yourself too much will cause you to go blind. That’s what worked for me and my siblings – although it wasn’t until my early twenties that I stopped assuming the legally blind were huge perverts.

Yes It’s Me – The Ugly Mom! – Motherhood Updates 18

I got called ugly the other day. Well technically, I was asked to leave the room so the prettier coworker could come in. At first I stood with my mouth agape and looked around to everyone else in the room. No one said anything in my defense. I’m guessing they were trying to stay invisible and not wanting to become the next victim.  I nodded; then left the room to find the girl he was referring to.

I found her and told her she was needed back in the meeting room. As she walked by, I couldn’t help but notice her fresh face and beautiful hair. Her highlights were on point and her makeup was done. She had cute hot pink nails and nice jewelry to match. She didn’t have bags under her eyes, she didn’t have coffee breath, in fact as she walked back to the office, I could smell her sweet floral perfume.  She was prettier than me….I don’t blame her- she is a very nice girl and she was blessed with some great genes, topped off with a sense of style and upkeep. It’s not her fault – I wasn’t mad at her.

On the other hand I was furious at the manager who said that. I went to the bathroom to compose myself and began to plot my revenge on him. In the extreme scenario I was thinking of stabbing him in the kidneys and while he bled out I would stand above his dying body and repeat “WHO’S UGLY NOW!!!” (I know a little extreme, but I was really mad.)  Then I came to the conclusion that Tonya Harding had it right all along, just whack him in the knees as he heads to his car to go home.

You see, now that I have a baby who is up at all times in the night I have stopped wearing makeup. My hair is only washed every 3-4 days, depending if I can find someone to watch Rowan long enough to shower and wash it. The bags under my eyes have gone from normal for a girl my age, to so dark I look like a domestic violence victim. There are days that half way through the morning, I catch a whiff of a pungent order only to realize I have forgotten to put on deodorant again. I stood up from the bathroom floor and went to wash my hands. I stopped and looked into the mirror. My hair was dirty and pulled back into my daily ponytail. The color in my hair was faded and old, having kids doesn’t allow for expensive hairdos. My nails were chewed and unpolished… I took a big sigh – “Maybe he has a right to ask for the prettier worker…”

I headed back to the conference room to finish my work. Before I entered my phone vibrated. It was my daycare lady sending me a picture of Rowan. He was doing something so unbelievably cute she just had to share it. I smiled and forwarded it on to my husband, he responded back with happy faces and hearts.

I looked through the window of the meeting room door- the Pretty Girl was in there chatting with our manager. Then it hit me- I shouldn’t feel sorry for myself! You see Pretty Girl doesn’t have an awesome husband and child like me… but Pretty Girl wishes she did. In fact we talk about it all the time; how she yearns to be married and have babies of her own someday. If anything Pretty Girl is envious of me… and our manager – well he probably has a small penis and is pissed about it. So there you have it!

I took a deep breath, straightened my shirt and walked into the room. My manager looked in my direction.

“YES IT IS I – THE UGLY ONE!”  I shouted to the room. Everyone laughed. I winked at Pretty Girl to let her know I’m not mad at her.  She winked back. The manager huffed in disapproval of my comment and didn’t speak to me for the rest of the day. The remainder of work went on without a hitch and the comment seemed like a distant memory by the end of the day. Pretty Girl and I are still good friends and the manager… well I don’t work with him very often, honestly it’s probably safer for him that way… 😉

Sicko Baby – Motherhood Updates – Part 16

Updates on Motherhood Part 16 – Baby Sicko 

Rowan is sick. We went 7 months with no sneeze, cough or so much as a runny nose. But now he’s making up for it. I called the doctor to see what I can do or if I should bring him in. I told him Rowan’s symptoms and he said no need to bring him in – just write down these few simple items and here are the instructions for them.

• Baby Tylenol – Give as needed
• NoseFrida – use every hour
• Warm Water – at least twice a day
• Plenty of Rest – put that damn baby down for a nap every chance you get.

Most of the stuff is self-explanatory; until it came to the NoseFrida. For those of you who have never heard of this NoseFrida- it’s some backwoods, hippie loving, European made contraption. You put one end of the tube into your baby’s nostrils and then on the other end is a small mouth piece. You lovingly place the mouth piece into your mouth and suck out your child’s boogers. Yep…go ahead and let that sink in for a minute…gross. I read the directions twice just to make sure I was reading correctly.

Place tube into mouth and suck with a gentle force to alleviate your child’s stuffy nose…

First off, let me say that I don’t suck anything (just ask my husband.) So for me to get behind this took a lot of effort on my part, I’d like to think I’m a good mom (Oh wait- you all have read my blog, no I’m not)

Anyhow, I did as it said and soon Rowan’s bright green boogers began to make their way up the tube. Creeping up like the Creature from the Black Lagoon, they were thick and seemed to just keep on coming out. I turned my head, controlling my gag reflex so as not to throw up on my son.  Soon I could see the boogers thinning out; I pulled the tube out from his nose. He stopped crying and looked to me. He took a deep breath in through his two little nostrils- Clear!

Okay – so maybe the stupid thing worked…but here’s the deal, I’ll do almost anything for this child but I’m drawing the line at snot sucking.

My mother has really had a hay day rubbing it in that I LET him get sick. “Clara you have good insurance, this never should have happened….you always take a sick baby the doctor. They can turn on a dime you know…I always took you and your siblings to the doctor right away!”

“Mom you are not winning mother of the year anytime soon considering I could do a better keg stand than most seniors in college when I was just 15. So calm down June Cleaver, your parental skills are still in question as well….” I said in response to her comment. She raised her eyebrow at me and then turned to Rowan, who was starting to fuss again.

“I’m sorry baby that you’re sick; Gigi is sorry your mommy let you get this bad.” She said to Rowan in her coddling baby voice.

“Ma! He has and ear infection and a mild cold- he wasn’t maimed by lions!”

“Well he might as well have been maimed by lions, maybe then you would have taken him the doctor sooner!”

No winning with that woman… ( hand palm to face- *sigh*)

Mommy’s Online Dating – Motherhood Updates Part 15

Motherhood Updates Part 15

I started online dating. Well, it’s online dating for moms…to seek and find other lonely moms…

Anyhow, after signing up and creating my profile, I was ready to start meeting the ladies! I started chatting with a couple of different moms before finally settling on a date with one mom in particular. She seemed cool- around my age and had a little girl a month older than Rowan. Leading up to our date, we sent cute text messages back and forth- “Hope you and your little one are having a good day! Can’t wait for our first play date! :)”

We met at a local brewery, because you know….that’s where cool moms hang out with babies- breweries. Finally, the day had arrived and I headed over to the brewery. I have to admit, I was really nervous. I changed my outfit three times, I changed Rowan’s outfit four times- hair up- hair down- flats- no flats? Just like all first dates, it’s awkward in the beginning. We made small talk for about the first 30 minutes, I was running out of nice things to say about her little girl. I mean how many times can you tell someone their kid is “soooo cute….I love her hair!”

The kids barely played together – which made it even weirder. Eventually we started to talk in depth about the important issues in life- like what stroller you prefer, how much of pain in the ass pumping milk is, and why your husband doesn’t appreciate you. After almost 3 hours of hanging out, a craft beer or two- we parted ways. I went in for the hug, I felt like we had really connected in the end. She did not feel the same way. She moved right, when I moved left, then after some brief shoulder bumps, she patted my back. “I’ll call you….” She said. I have been out of the dating scene for a while now, but I know what “I’ll call you” means.  I kept a brave face – I couldn’t let Rowan see me cry. I drove home with a heavy heart. Was it my outfit? Was it Rowan’s outfit? Did I have bad breath?

Needless to say I never heard from her again. I thought about giving it the three day rule and texting her- “Hey….how’s your day going?? ;)”  I didn’t though.  They say you should get back on the horse- maybe someday I will – but today, I’m taking myself out of the game. SO for now I’m sticking to Netflix marathons and cheap red wine. Rowan doesn’t even know what a friend is – he’ll be fine. And me, well let’s just say I’m staying hopeful, staying strong and staying single. #lonelymom15 #babyrowan

Don’t Throw The Baby Out With The Bath Water – Motherhood Updates Part 14

Motherhood Updates Part 14

“Your kid stinks,” My mother often tells me- “Clara he needs a bath every day. I don’t know why I have to keep telling you this…”

“Yeah and I don’t know why I have to keep TELLING you to stop shouting at the TV during American Ninja Warrior…No matter how hard you try, they can’t hear you Mom!”  She gives me her not impressed look and walks away. So apparently I now have to bathe my kid every day.  I mean sure he can get ripe after like 3 or 4 days, but everyday sounds like a lot of extra work to me. It’s not like I drop him off at daycare and she shuffles them out to the fields for hard labor in the hot sun. He doesn’t even crawl yet- how stinky can he be? It’s hard enough to remember to bathe myself everyday much less this alien child I call my own. So if only one of us can get a shower it’s going to be me; I have a job and need to work around other people – besides I’m already on thin ice with HR due to my last outburst of Sarah Palin impersonations during a work meeting.

Speaking of bathing, Rowan and I have started to take all our showers together. I figured this is the best way to get us both clean without the extra effort. However, have you ever tried to shower with a baby…alone? No help from dad, no one to grab him from the shower with a nice clean towel, and certainly no one to catch him when you put too much soap on him and now he’s slipping from your hands.  Well I do! Although I’m getting really good at it- see I have a routine down pact:

• Get in shower and find a temperature that’s warm enough for you and not that scalding to the baby.
• Blow bubbles into the streaming water to make baby happy that he’s in the shower with mommy! ( yay mommy and me time)
• Put baby on shower floor and whatever you do don’t let him fall over and smack his head on the tub
• Balance baby in slippery bath tub using only one foot and standing on your other foot try not to slip and kill yourself in the process
• Wash hair and body as normal – don’t let too much soap get into babies eyes as he sits below you (they scream…a lot…)
• Once you have finished all your necessary bathing needs- tend to the child who has been playing in your dirty shower water for the past ten minutes.
• Lather baby using his baby shampoo, but be careful not slick him up too much as he will slip right from your wet hands like butter on a pancake
• Once you get out of the shower wrap baby in towel and then use towel baby to now pat yourself dry.

“Well Clara, where is your husband in all of this? Surely he wants to help?”

Yeah if you see my husband – tell him I say hello and I’ve been looking for him. Good help is hard to find…

1. Be a Crazy Mom ….Check! Updates on Motherhood Part 12

Updates on Motherhood Part 12   

I took Rowan to his four month checkup last week. His pediatrician insists on making me fill out a questionnaire every time I go. It’s the same questionnaire every time… the questions are some open ended questions to check for onset post-partum. I get it, there are some pretty weird thoughts happening after you give birth. Normally I answer with yes or no answers- However, this time I had a little fun with the staff when it came to my answers.

1. Do feel like things get on top of you? – Yes; occasionally my husband, but if it’s not dedicated sex night, then I push him off.
2. Do you feel sad and hopeless for no reason? – Sometimes; only when I’ve gone jean shopping and the girl at American Eagle asks me what size my teenager wears. I tell her I’m shopping for myself; she then explains GAP might have more of my style and size.
3. Do you ever get so angry you want to hurt yourself or others? – Yes; when I found out Keeping up with the Kardashians was coming back for another season, I was pretty mad at everyone.
4. Do you ever picture your life before your child and wish he or she wasn’t around? – Sometimes; But only when I shell out almost a $1000 to daycare or if I have to restrain my fun based off his sleeping needs and poor attitude when out with another couple. I also picture my life before marriage and often think about what things would be like if my hubby and I had never had met, like if I could have full filled my dream of being a Cache Clothing model. At least I’m not biased to just my child

I stopped after just a few and handed it back to her- She scanned it and then looked to me…I just sat stoned faced and waited for her reaction. She smiled and put it into Rowan’s file folder. Not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe more evidence in their case for CPS.

• Rowan has started baby talk and understanding when others talk to him – this has opened the door to me and my husband messing with him…big time. First off, I try to sing him only songs by The Carpenters- “DON’T YOU REMEMBER YOU TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME BABY!!!” I sing it really loud and very dramatic; this throws him off as to why mom looks so sad. Then when the hubby and I are in the car with him, we only speak in our terrible Russian accents, we call out his name and say “Yes – Good baby boy you are…” sounding like Boris and Natasha. This really gets his face twisted. But by far my favorite thing to do to him is my impression of Mike Myers SNL skit Coffee Talk with Linda.  I come in to his room to wake him up in the mornings with my raspy Boca Raton, overly affectionate Jewish mother tone.  “RO-WAN…OH MY GOOD. LOOK. AT. YOU… COME HERE DARRRLLLIINNGG!” This gets him so confused he actually started crying once – which only solidifies that I’m on the right path with this prank and that my impressions have gotten really good.