1. Be a Crazy Mom ….Check! Updates on Motherhood Part 12

Updates on Motherhood Part 12   

I took Rowan to his four month checkup last week. His pediatrician insists on making me fill out a questionnaire every time I go. It’s the same questionnaire every time… the questions are some open ended questions to check for onset post-partum. I get it, there are some pretty weird thoughts happening after you give birth. Normally I answer with yes or no answers- However, this time I had a little fun with the staff when it came to my answers.

1. Do feel like things get on top of you? – Yes; occasionally my husband, but if it’s not dedicated sex night, then I push him off.
2. Do you feel sad and hopeless for no reason? – Sometimes; only when I’ve gone jean shopping and the girl at American Eagle asks me what size my teenager wears. I tell her I’m shopping for myself; she then explains GAP might have more of my style and size.
3. Do you ever get so angry you want to hurt yourself or others? – Yes; when I found out Keeping up with the Kardashians was coming back for another season, I was pretty mad at everyone.
4. Do you ever picture your life before your child and wish he or she wasn’t around? – Sometimes; But only when I shell out almost a $1000 to daycare or if I have to restrain my fun based off his sleeping needs and poor attitude when out with another couple. I also picture my life before marriage and often think about what things would be like if my hubby and I had never had met, like if I could have full filled my dream of being a Cache Clothing model. At least I’m not biased to just my child

I stopped after just a few and handed it back to her- She scanned it and then looked to me…I just sat stoned faced and waited for her reaction. She smiled and put it into Rowan’s file folder. Not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe more evidence in their case for CPS.

• Rowan has started baby talk and understanding when others talk to him – this has opened the door to me and my husband messing with him…big time. First off, I try to sing him only songs by The Carpenters- “DON’T YOU REMEMBER YOU TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME BABY!!!” I sing it really loud and very dramatic; this throws him off as to why mom looks so sad. Then when the hubby and I are in the car with him, we only speak in our terrible Russian accents, we call out his name and say “Yes – Good baby boy you are…” sounding like Boris and Natasha. This really gets his face twisted. But by far my favorite thing to do to him is my impression of Mike Myers SNL skit Coffee Talk with Linda.  I come in to his room to wake him up in the mornings with my raspy Boca Raton, overly affectionate Jewish mother tone.  “RO-WAN…OH MY GOOD. LOOK. AT. YOU… COME HERE DARRRLLLIINNGG!” This gets him so confused he actually started crying once – which only solidifies that I’m on the right path with this prank and that my impressions have gotten really good.

The Joys of Living With Gigi and Bring Back the Boobies – Motherhood Updates Part 11

Updates on Motherhood Part 11

– Living with my parents is going really well so far. We are all pretty respectful of each other’s space and picking up after ourselves. The best part of living like the Mormons is built in babysitters!

“Mom- Rowan needs a bath. Law and Order is about to start, can you do it?”

Where’s my sister? – this kid is really crying because it’s feeding time, but if I don’t do my pedicure now- I’ll never get it done by the weekend.

I mean I’m not saying I make them do all of it, but I can tell how happy it makes them to rear my child for me, so I figure there is no reason to deny them that joy. There is nothing better than watching my 15 year old sister wipe my son’s butt after his blow out diaper. The disgust that is all over her face as she tries not to throw up on the baby is priceless. Best birth control EVER! Or seeing how much my mom struggles to make a bottle one handed, while holding Rowan in her other arm as he screams his head off. She’s always talking about how she doesn’t get to the gym as often as she would like. Built in weights and strength training with this kid! So really my mom should be thanking me for so willingly giving up my motherly duties to them, it could be the difference between my sister being a teen mom or saving herself for marriage. Honestly “thoughtful” should be my middle name…

– Rowan has started grabbing. He grabs hair, toys, blankets, his diaper- my boobs. Yes; my son has a fascination with my small chest. I know I’ve already discussed how the ladies are on the petite side, so it’s no wonder that the four month old has a tendency to want to reach for my chest. They are the perfect size for his teacup hands.  I stopped breast feeding around 6 weeks. Mainly because I never made much milk to begin with and once I went back to work breastfeeding went out the window along with my sanity and sleep. But there is a piece of me that feels bad that I don’t breast feed him anymore. So this whole grabbing thing has put us at odds.

Grab Grab Grab- “Let go Rowan, yes those are mommy’s.”

Grab Grab Poke Grab “Okay Rowan, I get it- you miss them.”

Grab Grab – I look down to his face. If he could speak, he would probably ask me why I never breastfeed anymore. – “Mom is it something I did?” He would ask. “Is it because I don’t sleep through the night yet?” “I can try harder, just one more time mom…please” He’ll pucker his little lip and I’ll have to turn away so I don’t start crying.

Grab Grab Grab – “They are right here mom- look I found them. Just once more…”

I pull his little hands away. He looks to me disappointed…get used to it kid. You got me as a mother, if you think this is bad, just wait till you are old enough to read and you find mommy’s blog – now there’s some on set disappointment!