Updates on Motherhood Part 21
Like I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, I would be writing about my adventures of too much to drink and still being on midnight feeding duty. Shortly after posting my snippet of what to look forward to in my upcoming blog post, I received an email from a close loved one explaining to me, that while they write this note with best intentions, they encourage me to sensor my writing and really think about my future. What kind of employer hires a woman who writes about excessive drinking and caring for her infant? Well according to the email, no one…
So at the behest of this individual, I validate your feelings and completely understand where you are coming from, however for some reason my calling for this life has started to show itself in my work. I am a trashy comedy writer pulling inspiration for her material from real life. I can’t help it…I’m just born that way.
So I did think of way to not be so graphic in my telling of the tale (which in my opinion is oh so good of a tale not to tell)
A list- a list of all things to do when you’ve had too much to drink and still have to be, well you know…a parent
- Don’t listen to your sister in law when she suggests having another pumpkin spice martini. One martini good, two martini just right…three martini bad
- Be prepared to pass out before your child does, make a mental note of where you left your child last right before you passed out.
- Once you have woken up in the middle of the night, sweating out all the alcohol you consumed, find your said child ( pray that you had the sense to put them in the pack and play)
- Once child is found, you will find that all the moving around has caused you to feel ill. Find bathroom immediately!
- Don’t forget to bring the baby, you just found them; you can’t go running to the bathroom and lose them all over again. If you are stealth you can grab a quick bottle and formula, maybe a toy. This is going to take a while.
- Get the initial vomiting out of the way first. That really grabs the child’s attention. They find it extremely entertaining.
- Resume being mad at your sister in law for over serving you. In fact blame everyone but yourself at this point, how could they have let this happen?!
- Turn to the child and make their bottle, they will start to fuss and you can’t take the extra noise right now.
- Find most comfortable position that allows you to cradle the child in your arms while it drinks his bottle and you can still safely reach the toilet bowl. No need to accidently throw up on your mother in law’s bathroom rug. That’s a whole new set of issues there…
- Eventually baby will be done drinking it’s bottle and want to play, hopefully you are done evacuating the poison from your body- but if you aren’t make a game of it. Have the child clap for you every time you bend over and let it rip, make funny noises and say “Yay mommy is still going!”
- Once you are in the end stages of the puke fest, try to calm the child down. Calming him down will ensure that you both will be ready to head back to sleep.
- Pat yourself on the back for another parenting win. If you think about it, you and your child have spent over an hour of quality time together. Just you, them, and your massive hangover. Job well done!
Until next time readers – I wish you and yours a happy holiday season!
All the Best from – Baby Rowan and Me (AKA Mother of the Year)
Motherhood Updates 