WWE Restaurant Style

Motherhood Updates Part 24

Rowan has now become “that” kid at restaurants. Somewhere between 11 months and 12.5 months Rowan became a terrible toddler.  My husband and I used to pride ourselves on how well behaved our child was. The compliments would come pouring in from strangers and friends alike.

“He’s such a good baby!” people would exclaim.

“I know…” I replied in my snarky tone. ( karma people!)

Then one day, he wasn’t. One day out the blue he was no longer content to sit in his chair and sleep or play with a small toy. Nope; now he wants out of his chair- he wants this- to touch that- hit this- bite that….

My spouse and I took Rowan out last weekend. We had been having a picture perfect day, until we decided to stop and grab a bite of food.  It wasn’t two minutes in and my terrible toddler started in on us. Eventually we had to come up with a game plan.

“Okay you eat your meal first and I’ll take him for a walk around outside away from everyone.” I said to the hubby

“No – you eat first and I’ll take him out.” he replied

“I have a salad and you have a sandwich – mine’s cold and yours is hot.  You eat first and then I’ll come and eat.”

“I’ll eat as fast as I can…”

“Please do – my sanity and appetite depend on it…”

So my husband ate his sandwich and I took little man for a walk – I could see through the restaurant window, my spouse eating his food like he was in a competition. He pounded back his meal and guzzled his pint of expensive craft beer – never taking a minute to savor it. Then like a relay race I was back inside, tapped him out and I was off to finish my food too. We’ve decided that in the future Rowan is not ready to be in a sit down restaurant. Actually, until he’s paying for the meal himself, I might not ever step foot in a food place with him again.

So the next time you’re out and you see a single diner eating their meal like it might be their last, don’t judge. Sure there’s a chance they have the drunken munchies and don’t realize what a scene they’re making, but they also could be new parents and their partner is in the wings with the crying child just counting the seconds until it’s their turn to eat.  Like Wrestle Mania – tap in, tap out – go for the win…

Terrible Mothers Unite – Motherhood Updates 23

My new favorite saying is “If it makes him happy…” This statement can apply to many scenarios.

“Clara your son is lighting the dog on fire…”

“Well if it makes him happy…”

“Clara, Rowan is eating something off the bottom of your husband’s work boot…”

“Yeah… but it makes him happy…”

“Clara your child is leading Iran in a nuclear war…”

“Oh really? But it makes him happy right?”

Does this make me a lazy mom? I don’t think so – I think it’s called picking your battles.

I recently had a reader submit a photo to me of her son falling off the couch. Under the photo she captioned:

“See we are all Motherhood Updates Moms! My kid fell off the couch and I took a photo of him falling instead of rushing to help him, I even waited two seconds before going to his aide…hehe I’m such a terrible mom.”   PS he was fine, just a little booboo”

First of all reader, thank you for following my blog. I appreciate any support I can get, I obviously have attention issues and anyone who indulges me, I consider a friend. However, you are not a terrible mother. In fact you’re a good mom; actually you’re probably an excellent mom! You know how I know…you used the word booboo when emailing another adult…that’s a clear sign of an awesome mom.

In my world, if this had been me and my son, Rowan would have fallen off the couch and bumped his head. I would then find him ten minutes later playing with, who the hell knows what, Rowan sporting a goose egg on his noggin. I would then put two and two together and realize that at some point he must have fallen. Where was I you might ask? I was down in the basement catching up on my Law and Order SVU episodes on Hulu. I would feel bad and then over compensate by giving him a bowl of ice cream for dinner.

Here’s another example of me being an awesome mother: I came into the kitchen to find Rowan eating dog food. Two thoughts ran through my mind-

1. “I should take that away from him, he shouldn’t be eating dog food.”
2. “Rowan has been fussy and not wanting to eat lately. If I let him finish eating the dog food, then at least I know he’s been fed…”

So that was the last of the dog food… I ended up feeding the dog the scraps from dinner. See it all works out in the end.

So to wrap it up – Thank you again reader for your letter and photo! I really did love it 🙂  It sounds to me like you are well on your way to being a truly terrible mother. Feel free to send me more photos and emails from your own personal Motherhood Updates.

Teething Nightmare – Motherhood Updates Part 22

Teething sucks. Let me repeat that – TEETHING SUCKS!!!! Teething is God’s way of insuring we don’t over populate the earth too quickly. Any parent who has had a difficult child during their teething phase would close up their baby making parts real fast…I know I have!

Rowan is up at all hours in pain, crying- no scratch that- shrieking at the top of his lungs. He is the best kid you’ll ever meet until he’s in pain, and then it’s every man for himself. When he gets into a mood he throws his body back in a sort of MMA move. I try to catch him best I can, but I’ll be honest….I’ve dropped him a few times. He’s small for his age and his Puma track suit is slippery. Once, while we were in Target, he threw himself back so fast I hardly knew what had happened. Boom! Down on the ground he went!

Apparently, to the other Target shoppers, it looked as though I threw him to the ground in a fit of rage. First of all, let’s side step – 1. I do a lot of stupid things, but I would never blatantly throw my child to the ground. (Unless maybe he was on fire, then I would stop, drop and roll him) 2.  If I did happen to get a crazy hair in me and actually choose to throw a baby on the ground, I would never do it in Target. I love that place, I want to continue shopping there.

So back to what I was saying before, it appeared to the other Target shoppers that I had purposefully thrown Rowan to the ground.

“Did you just throw him down?” asked one lady.

“What? No!” I replied

“Because it looked like you just threw him down, why would you do that?”

“I didn’t, he did it! He threw himself on the ground. I just dropped him…I mean I couldn’t hold him anymore…uh…”

I knew this was not going well. I left my cart with all my stuff and quickly excited the store. Mad at my son for interfering in my Target purchases.

The second time he threw himself back so hard it caused a scene, was when we were walking down the stairs. He had been in a fit of pain and with the blink of the eye, he was hanging by his legs in my hands as we walked down the steep stair case.  I saw our life flash before my eyes. I could see it now – our tombstones lying next to each other:

Clara Jean Green

Loving Mother

“I should have stuck with a dog”

 

Rowan James Green

Beloved Son

“Teething”

Needless to say I caught him just in the nick of time, saving both of us from harm’s way.  Mother Nature is cruel lady, who I hope has had many kids and plenty of them teething.

 

The Baby is a Perverted Cat

Rowan has started hissing like a cat. Our daycare lady used to own a pet shop and when the shop closed, any animals who didn’t get adopted found their forever home with her. She now has a menagerie in her house of dogs, cats, birds and small children. So it’s no surprise that Rowan has started to mimic the animals. When he gets mad he pulls back his lips, exposing his toothless gums, and hisses at you -just like an angry cat.

Along with Rowan’s hissing, he has really started to vocalize. In fact, he said his first word the other day- actually it was two words…while pointing to our family pet the other night, he looked right at Phoebe and said “Damn Dog.” We couldn’t believe it! At first we thought that was the funniest thing we had ever heard. Then we started to wonder, where did he pick this up from? Certainly not from us. Sure we say dog all the time – take the dog out, the dog needs food etc. But never damn dog….daycare? I mean she does have dogs running around house and I know my daycare lady is not above cussing in front of the kids…so we figure that’s where he picked it up from. I now have a 10 month old who hisses like a cat and curses at the dog- I’m basically raising a paranoid schizophrenic.

Rowan has discovered his penis. Out of all the toys he has, his weenie is his favorite one. When it’s time to take a bath you can’t pry him off of his member if you tried. The whole bath he’s messing with his junk. It’s not in a sexual way – it’s more like when you discover you have a skin tab and you can’t seem to stop messing with it. Rowan just can’t seem to stop messing with it. I read on the internet that you are supposed to let them have at it, just go to town – tug tug city! Eventually the thrill will wear off, and he’ll go back to looking up at people and having two free hands. They say you don’t want to put any negative connotation with him touching himself. When he’s older, we can have the talk about how touching yourself too much will cause you to go blind. That’s what worked for me and my siblings – although it wasn’t until my early twenties that I stopped assuming the legally blind were huge perverts.

The Joys of Living With Gigi and Bring Back the Boobies – Motherhood Updates Part 11

Updates on Motherhood Part 11

– Living with my parents is going really well so far. We are all pretty respectful of each other’s space and picking up after ourselves. The best part of living like the Mormons is built in babysitters!

“Mom- Rowan needs a bath. Law and Order is about to start, can you do it?”

Where’s my sister? – this kid is really crying because it’s feeding time, but if I don’t do my pedicure now- I’ll never get it done by the weekend.

I mean I’m not saying I make them do all of it, but I can tell how happy it makes them to rear my child for me, so I figure there is no reason to deny them that joy. There is nothing better than watching my 15 year old sister wipe my son’s butt after his blow out diaper. The disgust that is all over her face as she tries not to throw up on the baby is priceless. Best birth control EVER! Or seeing how much my mom struggles to make a bottle one handed, while holding Rowan in her other arm as he screams his head off. She’s always talking about how she doesn’t get to the gym as often as she would like. Built in weights and strength training with this kid! So really my mom should be thanking me for so willingly giving up my motherly duties to them, it could be the difference between my sister being a teen mom or saving herself for marriage. Honestly “thoughtful” should be my middle name…

– Rowan has started grabbing. He grabs hair, toys, blankets, his diaper- my boobs. Yes; my son has a fascination with my small chest. I know I’ve already discussed how the ladies are on the petite side, so it’s no wonder that the four month old has a tendency to want to reach for my chest. They are the perfect size for his teacup hands.  I stopped breast feeding around 6 weeks. Mainly because I never made much milk to begin with and once I went back to work breastfeeding went out the window along with my sanity and sleep. But there is a piece of me that feels bad that I don’t breast feed him anymore. So this whole grabbing thing has put us at odds.

Grab Grab Grab- “Let go Rowan, yes those are mommy’s.”

Grab Grab Poke Grab “Okay Rowan, I get it- you miss them.”

Grab Grab – I look down to his face. If he could speak, he would probably ask me why I never breastfeed anymore. – “Mom is it something I did?” He would ask. “Is it because I don’t sleep through the night yet?” “I can try harder, just one more time mom…please” He’ll pucker his little lip and I’ll have to turn away so I don’t start crying.

Grab Grab Grab – “They are right here mom- look I found them. Just once more…”

I pull his little hands away. He looks to me disappointed…get used to it kid. You got me as a mother, if you think this is bad, just wait till you are old enough to read and you find mommy’s blog – now there’s some on set disappointment!

Mommy is Going Bald and Quit Messing Up My Jams – Motherhood Updates Part 10

Updates on Motherhood Part 10

I’m losing my hair. I mean I knew that the lush locks I grew during the pregnancy would go away eventually, but I thought it would be a gradual loss…My hair is coming out in clumps. I pull out a Furby size ball of hair from the shower drain each time I wash my hair. A few mornings ago I discovered a bald spot, just near the upper portion of my temple. I have become self-conscious of it and have tried to cover it up. I tried doing the comb over, but my husband is terrible about keeping my comb over in check. I’ll start catching a breeze over my bald patch and realize my hard work in the bathroom has come undone. So I have resorted to color matching. I bought some cheap foundation in the color “mocha” (to match my once mocha locks) I take a good teaspoon size amount and start patting it on. It looks pretty natural from far away, I mean I wouldn’t want anyone to double check my work, but it’s been doing the trick…until recently. You see the weather has been warming up and my once sweat-less head has become a heat box. I went for a walk the other day and when I stopped to talk to my neighbor, she had a confused look on her face. Finally she said “You have dark brown streaks running down your face.” I explained to her that I was trying out Halloween costume ideas early and this look is Indian Warrior Princess…I don’t think she bought it. Anyhow, now I’m constantly worried that my makeup pool around my hair line will run again. There are only so many excuses you can come up with. The last time it happened I told the cashier at Walmart the doctors have just came to the conclusion, that yes, I do in fact have Leprosy.  So between my shedding and Steve’s shedding my Roomba vacuum is losing its shit.

– Rowan is killing my music buzz. I’ll be in the car driving with him and all of the sudden my jams come on. “Apple Bottom JEANS and the BOOTS with the FUUURRR!!” Just as I’m reliving my young single days and reminiscing on how cool I was, I hear baby coos coming from the back seat. I look to my mirror only to see my son, giggling and laughing at my expense.

“What? No! Quit dancing, these are mommy’s jams! Not baby songs for Rowan dammit!” He laughs even more because my ticked off tone of voice sounds funny to him.

“Go to sleep… there play with your hands. This is me time Rowan!” He continues to giggle and coo (It’s sort of adorable how into it he is, but I remind myself – if I don’t set boundaries now, this kid will walk all over me)

“Fine kids bop it is then!” I turn it on…he gets quiet…

“The wheels on the bus go round and round…” I look to him in my mirror…fast asleep…lil’ jerk.

Motherhood Update Part 9 – Big Changes Ahead and How Hipsters Almost Stole My Baby

Motherhood updates Part 9

– I’ve never been afraid of Rowan being kidnapped, until today. This afternoon a friend and I went to Denver’s hippest Flea/ Farmers market located downtown. It was filled wall to wall with the biggest hipsters you’ve ever seen. It was more overly priced flannel and tight men’s jeans then I could bare, but I had made it this far so I tracked on. Anyhow, Rowan is obviously one of the cutest babies this side of the Mississippi and he was the hit of the Market. “Oh my God – He’s so adorable!” Um …thanks… look with your eyes and not your hands hipster! Everyone knows hipsters love to accessorize and if it’s one thing that looks great with any Urban Outfitters collection, it’s a cute baby to show off. They’ll probably want to put him in ironic onesies – something that says “scaled to actual size” or the cover art for the Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon album. (I’m not saying I don’t like classic rock, but let’s be honest Rowan is still into Baby Einstein, not Roger Waters.) Besides, he’s my super neat accessory. Do you know how long it took to make him, and even then there was a good chance he’d be an okay looking baby, instead of the adorable munchkin I birthed. I used to be comfortable taking him into public places freely walking a couple steps away to gather what I needed on my shopping trip. Not anymore…those damn Denver hipsters with their black rimmed eyeglasses and shaved faux-hawk like style hair, you’ve ruined it for me and my ultra-cool baby!

– I’m thinking about getting a second job. Just something to close the gap between all the additional expenses for baby and being only able to eat Ramen. I obviously thought of all my options…

1. Stripper (but that gnarly C-section scar really cuts down on the pool of clients)
2. Uber driver (I’d have to carry a Taser and hangout at the airport or nightclub all evening.)
3. Waitress (my patience has really gone down since becoming a mother to an infant. Meaning any patience I have now only goes to Rowan, leaving none for crappy customers.)
So after discussing it with my hubby, and exploring all the scenarios, we are selling our home and moving into my parent’s basement! This is not a joke…we are actually excited about it. We will take the profit pay off the cars, student loans, invest in his college etc. etc. My mom has informed me she’s been reading in her AARP magazine about older kids moving home and how to protect yourself as a parent….no comment on that…
Anyhow, stay tuned readers, there’s nothing more exciting then moving home with the folks, along with your 90 day old child, 100lb lab named Steve and a hubby who is being a very good sport about all of this! (cough cough – insert sarcasm here)

Motherhood Updates Part 7 and 8 – Orange is the New Daycare and a Not so Happy Bed Time Story

Motherhood Updates Part 7
– Rowan has started full time daycare. He is already picking up bad habits and I’m pretty sure he’s getting ready to be jumped into some sort of baby gang. He runs around with a no good 18 month old boy who’s constantly got a dirty face and gives me the stink eye when I pick up Rowan. His teacher is nice and has even promised not to smoke as much around the kids…The bits of old carpet in the unfinished basement are a nice touch for the kiddos to play on. She lined the walls with toys so the young ones can’t hurt themselves on the exposed beams. She’s really quick to point out how tired she is, but makes every effort to put in a full day’s work watching my child…and to think I was really worried about finding a good daycare for Rowan.

– I blinded my son the other night. Rowan has been getting into his fussy “I only want to be held, mommy can’t put me down” phase. Anyhow, this has led me to tying him to my front and go about my evening duties around the house. One of my chores is preparing a meal for me and the hubby. Well I was cooking from scratch, rather than a frozen box straight to the microwave, and had been chopping up an onion for the meal. Soon Rowan began to cry – I of course shushed him, since this pitiful cry has become the norm, then he started to really cry – again I just patted his bottom and rocked my body so he would calm down. All the while I continued to cut up my onion, then he started to wail out- well by this time the onion had started to kick in and I had to wipe my eyes from watering…oh yeah did you see where this was going? Note to self – do not attach baby to your front and chop fresh onions, they don’t like it. Just in case you were wondering – his eyes are fine – this (just like his chopped finger) will be nothing but a speck on his tiny little brain. #babyrowan

Motherhood Updates Part 8
Instead of reading bedtime stories to Rowan I’ve come up with a list of guilt trip items to read him while he falls asleep:
1. Because of you mommy can’t wear “cute” jeans anymore like the other girls

2. Mommy is now beyond paranoid about your safety and she’s had up to her Xanax intake

3. I now have to censor my actions and what I say – not even grandma could get mommy to do that…but you have accomplished it well

4. Mommy spends all her extra money on you…which means mom has bushy eyebrows, dead ends on her hair and she’s still wearing her maternity panties.

5. Daddy and I used to have impromptu adult playtime, now if it’s not scheduled on both of our Iphone calendars or we get in a quickie between midnight feedings, it’s not happening

6. Mom’s car is now filled with baby blankets, empty bottles and light up toys. It used to be filled with downtown parking lot stubs, empty bottles and well… a different kind of light up toy.

7. Mommy has to use you as a bargaining chip now with her in-laws; More time spent with grandson = mommy gets another of not having to host Thanksgiving

8. Mommy still doesn’t poop right after having you via emergency C- Section, according to the web; I might never have a normal BM again.

9. If Mommy was a porn star – she’d have to be put into a different genre section- instead young and hot- I’m now under the section entitled MILF (I’m not complaining, just saying.)

10. Mommy’s whole existence is now about you; what you eat- if you’re cold- if you’re happy- if you’ve pooped enough today…it used to be about me, but now it’s just you. All the time you and I people keep saying I have to be okay with this

So you see son, there’s no need to read you a sad story about a poor princess who loses it all- only to discover the real treasure is the love from those around her…We’re already living it and I couldn’t be happier.                                                 – Love the former spoiled princess you call Mommy.